Friday, October 5, 2012


(Not for the weak of stomach.  Or heart.  Or the easily offended. Or if you don't like period talk. Or blood talk.)

Why is it women only talk about periods and not the products that get us through it?  Contrary to commercials I have never had an in depth conversation with my friends regarding cardboard, plastic or no applicator LET ALONE brand names.

Before this week, I had not had a period in 4 years.  I changed birth controls on Tuesday.  Hell hath no fury like a uterus that has had crap in storage for 4 years.  That is a long time to be out of the feminine hygiene products game.  My reintroduction into it was unexpected.  I hit up another woman for a tampon and off to the bathroom I went.  Holy sh!t snacks. (I am totally obsessed with Archer, if I hadn't mentioned that yet).

Why cardboard?  I know the environment blah blah and I don't care.  Why cardboard?  I would rather go OB applicator-less than use cardboard.  Maybe it's just my motor skills or something, but asking me to  use a cardboard applicator is like asking to disarm a bomb with greasy hands, underwater, to save sharks.  It stresses me out and makes everyone else uncomfortable.

Super Triple Mega Absorbency.  Shouldn't you just be at home sitting on the toilet if you need a tampon this big?  I don't think I have the right insides for those things.  I also haven't bled a lot since puberty, so maybe it's me, not the tampon.

Tampax Pearls. I tried these, and I hate them.  I don't appreciate my tampon falling apart inside me.  I do not believe that couple of strings braided together means more protection. Does the tampon itself really have to be that long?  Cuz I really don't think so.  Why are woman still buying these?  They were crappy and uncomfortable 4 years ago and they are crappy and uncomfortable now.  Who are you other women with your cardboard and Tampax and why are you doing this to your selves?

After work I took myself out to the drug store to buy the brands that I am comfortable with when it comes to the whole bleeding for 7 days and not dying thing.

The pads section at least looked like we have reached a consensus about the most comfortable route but the tampons are still a freak show.

I always used Kotex tampons.  If you had a period in the last four years you would know that Kotex lost their damn minds and decided that tampons should be a fashion statement.  The covers are all varying pretty colors, the applicators are all pretty colors with designs on them.  A reminder that your period should be discrete and colored with pretty paper, apparently.  As off put as I was by the new packaging they still seemed to be the best alternative to the aforementioned Tampax.  I bought a discreet black box with the pretty pretty colors inside and took it home.

Pure genius.  I don't care what they decide to do with their boxes or colors in the future.  As long as they continue to make plastic applicators exactly the way they are now, I will continue to buy them.  There was no bomb and no sharks.  I was in and out of the bathroom in record time and with 0 frustration.  Once placed Kotex does not get oddly longer like Tampax nor does it fall apart.  They just get wider, which I appreciate.

I realize there are Diva cups and other solutions besides pads and tampons out there.  I did try a cup once, and I don't have the cervix for it.  I may try a different brand in the future if the whole "being a woman" thing continues.

 For now, I am going to stick with my Always pads and my Kotex tampons.  I will avoid bumming from other women's stash at all cost. 

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