A-Z

Stolen from Moosh in Indy.

A – Are you single?

Nope. Just had a 5 year wedding anniversary.

B – Birthday?

July 26

C – Crush?

Currently Braden Holtby. Goalie for the Washington Capitals. We bought tickets to the Capitals v the Blue Jackets because I was getting into Ovechkin after the All Star game. Dancing Holtby stole the show for me. Then I went home and Google him and OMG hotness. I am well known for my crushes though, and could probably list a few more.

SOURCE

Also. Goalies are crazy.  CRAZY.  Which is why I love them.  Here is proof.

D – Drink you last had?

Zevia Cream Soda.  Don't love it yet. Going to try again.

E – Easiest person to talk to?

Probably my husband. If I can't talk to him then who can I talk to?

F – Favorite song?

At the moment I listen to  iPrevail s version of Blank Space ON REPEAT ALL THE TIME.  Favorite song of all time? I have a whole blog about that.

G – Good at?

Being blunt,  solving problems, lifting weights,playing any Dragon Age game more than is healthy.

H – Hair color?

Burnette redish at the moment. It's always about to change though.

I – In love with?

The idea of warm weather. Hockey. My car.

J – Jealous of?

People who live in milder climates. I've also found myself lusting after other women's long hair. I've been trying to grow mine out but it's been super slow. Probably because I freak out every other trip and ask her to shape it.

K – Known as?

Kelly,  Miss Kelly, scarey Kelly.

L  – Longest relationship?

7 years 8 ish months

M – Middle name?

Same as my mom's!

N – Number?

Always my birthday.

O – One wish?

Going materialistic here and say living downtown.  I really want to make that happen. Less materialistic, finding a job that I can enjoy more days than not.

P – Person last texted?

Probably my husband, from a different room of the house.

Q – Question always asked?

Are you a season ticket holder to the Blue Jackets?  No,  I was not. I just went to enough games that I could have been so I see how you got that impression. Next season though.....

T – Time you woke up?

8:00 ish.  I stayed up late last night.

U – Underwear color?

Pink.

V – Violent moment?

Did you see the Scarey Kelly nickname?

W – Worst fear?

My sub conscious has developed a real thing for Heights. They didn't use to bother me and on a conscious rational level they still don't.  But man. Makes me nauseous, I start imaging jumping, it's crazy. The mind is crazy. Beyond that My nightmares are generally about being kidnapped, beaten, tortured, raped and killed,  so let's add those to list too. The last one a guy strapped me to one of those ambulance backboard things and smothered me to death with a book. I got off pretty easy with that one.

X – Ex you never stopped loving?

I don't think I stop loving people I once loved. They get smaller heart space, but I don't think love goes away. Unless I was lying to myself about being in love. Which happened once for almost two years. Just because someone needs you doesn't mean it's love. Lesson learned.

Y – Your last hug?

Husband or dog. Dog has been clingy today.

Z – Zodiac sign?

Leo!  We don't work on birthdays,  we don't take any crap, and it's important to us that our hair looks good.  We also not so secretly believe we are superior to all other signs.

SOURCE

Endless Pasta Bowl Test

My husband and I have been married for three years.  We have gone to Olive Garden, once a year for most of our relationship.  Why?  Not for the free cheese, which they offer constantly.  "Would you like some cheese with your Coke?"  No, no I wouldn't.  We go for the annual Endless Pasta Bowl.

Most years, I am pretty sure we had 3 bowls a piece and a bajillion bread sticks .

The first year we were working on dieting we had two bowls a piece and half a bajillion bread sticks.

This year I had 1 bowl and one bread stick.  I was no where near finishing mine.

My husband had 1 bowl and 3 bread sticks.

We are definitely doing better about portion control. Our weight is less, we eat less and eat in more.

The Endless Pasta Bowl, oddly, has become a measure of our success.

I suppose the ultimate goal is to not go for the "Endless Pasta".

We are a far way from both of our goal fitness and weight.

With that said I am very proud of us and our progress.  Even if it is slow, it is forward.

Even measured by pasta.

Source

Emotional Eating and Me. Part I

I don't actually have a follow up planned for this post.  Every blog I have ends up with an emotional eating post so this blog ( that I've had for almost a WHOLE year now, yay me!) May end up with multiple.  I mentioned in this post that I was feeling sad, anxious and lost.  That equated to a whole week of crappy, crappy eating.  I had spent the three weeks before last week counting calories and was down 3 lbs.  Now I am afraid to get on the scale.

I have been talking to myself about this all week.  Telling myself I was a 31 year old woman with a bachelors degree in Psychology and that I knew exactly what was going on.  Telling myself to get a new coping mechanism.  Telling myself I was going to hate myself at the end of this ice cream filled tunnel and that I should just go to the gym instead.

I thought I was having this battle on my own.  Then Sunday night my husband said to me " We've been emotionally eating all week."  All I could was make jokes and cry.  Not bawling and thrashing around on the ground or anything, just the same crying I've been doing the entire last week.  Silent tears and nose blowing.

The point is, every time I think I've made steps to get my relationship with food under control I prove myself wrong.  The binge eating I've had a fairly good handle on for at least 5 years now.  The scary 3 dinners and dessert kind.  However, the eating of my feelings always sneaks back up to get me.  My husband pointed out that we don't drink, we aren't on drugs and that this is temporary.  We know that eventually we can get over it.   That this isn't the worst thing that we could be doing to ourselves.

I've mentioned it out loud a few times and I think that it's true.  Before I can truly be successful at weight loss and maintenance I am going to have to really work on my relationship with food.  Not ignore it and hope that it will go away, not tell myself that I am cured because I haven't had an episode in three months, but really work on it. 

I am not sure where that path starts.  Maybe I should go to talk to a counselor?  I feel like a nutritionist should be somewhere on that list too.  There are two questions really.  Where do I start and when will I get sick enough of it that I am willing to do something about it.  Amanda Palmer wrote a blog with this story in it, that I try to use for motivation and perspective.

"A farmer is sitting on his porch in a chair, hanging out with his dog.

A friend walks up to the porch to say hello, and hears an awful yelping, squealing sound coming from the dog.

“What’s the matter with Ol’ Blue?” asks the friend.

“He’s layin’ on a nail that’s pokin’ up from the floorboards,” says the farmer.

“Why doesn’t he just sit up and get off it?” asks the friend.

The farmer deliberates on this and replies: “Don’t hurt enough yet.”

The problem is, sometimes it hurts to much to move.  I am hoping after some of the ache and screaming inside of me calms down a little bit, that I can get my ass off the nail and start dealing with one of the biggest struggles of my life.

SOURCE

New Year Resolution And The Internet Part 2

Back in January I told you about my internet resolutions.  To quote myself:

"Resolution:

For the month of January no FB, News or blog reading.  The only time I am allowed to catch up is either Saturday or Sunday but not both.  At the end of January I will evaluate where I am mentally and decide how to proceed with February.  "

I did pretty well with this.  Not amazing, and I completely fell off the wagon while I was home sick for a few days, but I think I stayed very true to the spirit of the resolution.

The News

After January was over I went to the news sites I used to frequent to see what I had been missing.  I figured it wasn't much because people are always willing to give you bad news so keeping up with the world is not very difficult.  Even so, I could feel the hopelessness and negativity return instantly.  I almost felt like I had news hang over after my brief reappearance.  

Verdict:  

I am going to continue to avoid news sites like the plague.  It is what is best/healthiest for me and my well being.

Facebook

No one needs to check Facebook 100 times  a day.  I never actually did it because I thought something interesting was going to be on there but because I have a smart phone and I was bored/ easily distracted. 

Verdict:

I have added the app back on to my phone and have the shortcut on one of the screens.  Not m main screen, but 2 screens over.  I probably check it 2-3 times a day now when I am at lunch or bored.  I have definitely cut back and am hoping to keep it at a less ridiculous level from here on out.

Both items were the problems that I thought they were.  I am not going to go to news sites just because anymore and I am not going use Facebook as a weird ADHD crutch anymore.  I think I will have more time and be a better person for it.

Bad Gall Bladder Symptoms

The year I was sick, I had a collection of seemingly random symptoms.  Some of the things I went to the Doctor for and some I didn't.  some of the symptoms I had for YEARS.  Some are on lists of gall bladder failure symptoms and some are not.  If someone is going through the same things I did, I would like them to know they are not alone and all of those things DO mean something. Some of them I noticed at the time and some I didn't notice until after my gall bladder was out. Here are the symptoms I had long before I was throwing up every 10 minutes with abdominal cramping.

*  Intense Headaches on the right side of the head

*  Right side of the face swollen disproportionately to the left

*  Right side back pain

*  Right side lung pain

*  Right side lung swelling and causing pleurisy

*  Right side arm pit smelled worse than the left, impervious to deodorant

*  Lactose Intolerance symptoms 

*  Faint pain in the gall bladder area

*  Abnormally greasy skin and hair

*  Faded lip color 

*  Frequent throwing up

*  Frequent Diarrhea

Keep in mind while reading my time line that all of these things were gradual and seemingly random.  It's not until I looked back at all of it that I realized how much sense it made.

When I was in high school, I worked at Wendy's.  I started having sever stomach cramps.  Doctors couldn't figure out why.  They put me on a restrictive diet and gave me muscle relaxers to help with the pain.  I eventually decided that it was lactose intolerance and began avoiding most dairy foods.  That seemed to keep things under control.  

My sophomore year of college I ate Mcdonalds and puked for a week.  Finals week actually, it was horrific.  besides that time, I can think of quite a few times I was prone to puking.  Times like eating pizza.  My friends would eat pizza that had been sitting out but I refused because one time I had pizza sit out for an hour, ate it, and threw up. One time I drank a glass of vitamin D milk with doughnuts, and threw up.   Christmas.  I got sick every Christmas.  Do you know what happens at Christmas?  Lots of eating things with butter and milk and fat fat fat!  I said my stomach didn't have the right bacteria to let food sit out and eat it.  The truth was my gall bladder was crap.

Around 5 years before my gall bladder came out I noticed that my right arm pit was smellier than the other.  I was also starting to notice a faint pain where my gall bladder was.  What is right here?  I would ask people pointing.  They always said there wasn't anything, and I never looked it up.  

4 years before I couldn't keep up with how greasy my hair was.  I couldn't skip a shower or I would look like I hadn't bathed in a week.  My skin was always greasy to touch and my lips were starting to lose their color.  These were all slow gradual things that I really didn't notice how bad they are getting.

The headaches are hard to pinpoint a time frame.  It was definitely in the same 4-5 year time frame.  I get a lot of headaches, I still do.  But the headache I use to have, and that has disappeared since the removal, was horrible.  It was only on the right side of my head and no pain medication touched it.  A doctor gave me migraine medication, but they weren't migraines.  I also could not take the pills frequently enough for them to be of any use.

Then came the last year I had a gall bladder.  It has quite the final performance.  My right lung swelled up, I thought I was having a heart attack because I couldn't breathe and I had chest pains.  They ultimately decided it was pleurisy and put me on steroids.  But it didn't help.  It was still hard to breathe and I was still getting intense lung pain.  They sent me to a lung doctor.  He said it must be asthma, gave me pain medication for constant and intense back lung pain, and sent me on my way.  At most points in 2011 I was on at least 3 pain medications on top of whatever else they happened to have me on.

The right side of my face was swollen.  I looked like a gargoyle.  My mother was the only one who noticed.  I tried to tell people, but they just shrugged me off and said I was being to hard on myself or that I was seeing things.  When I show them pictures now they are amazed they didn't see it.  People are very unobservant. 

June 2011:

June 2012:

 My left side is naturally bigger than my right, I am very lopsided.

So, were where we?  I was ill and no one knew why.  I was on a lot of medication for my symptoms but none of it was really doing anything.  Then, one night, my husband and I got pizza for dinner.  I woke up at 2 am and threw up every 10 minutes.  It didn't stop until I had two of the anti nausea shots.  I was also having intense abdominal cramping, which is why the urgent care sent me to the emergency room.  That would be trip 2 in three months for those of you playing at home.  A multitude of tests later, and at least a month of eating nothing, and I finally got the call I had been waiting a year for.  Something was wrong and I had a test to prove it.  

" Kelly, this is Dr.C.  Your gall bladder is a mess, I am setting up an appointment with a surgeon."

My gall bladder surgery is the best thing I ever did for myself.  It is not with out it's repercussions, but they are completely manageable.  It is a list of side effects I would trade again every time for the list I use to have.

*  Scars

*  Abdominal discomfort at the incision sites with exercise

*  Can not eat straight oil, like salad dressing or dipping your bread in oil.

*  I have to limit oil and fat intake, but not as much as I did pre surgery.

The things that got better?

* Skin tone

* Less greasy

* Better lip color

* Normal Shaped face

* Both arm pits smell the same

* Less headaches

* No throwing up

* Diarrhea only if I over did it on fats or oils

* No more lung pain

* My lung has not recovered fully from 2011 but it has never flared up again.

That was my experience.  No gall stones, just a gall bladder that refused to work and tried to take everything else down with it.

Food Induced Migraines

When I turned 30, everything went to hell.

One of the ways my body betrayed me was migraines.  Anyone who knows me is probably thinking, but you have always had head aches.  

Yes.  I have always had headaches.  I probably have a sinus headache at least once a week.  Oh the joys of living in Ohio.

Migraines are an entirely different beast.  Mine seem to have a direct food correlation.  I have a bachelor's degree is psychology, so let me take a moment to say this.

 SOURCE

I understand that I may be blaming food, and it's not food's fault or it is not entirely food's fault.  let me whine anyway, I have a migraine.

First migraine was after eating salami for lunch every day.  I decided no more salami and definitely not in large quantities.  Second migraine was after eating pepperoni and a small glass of wine.  Third migraine was after one slice of pepperoni pizza, and the fourth migraine was after one serving of Slim Fast.

The first three are all obvious migraine triggers.  Nitrates.  The big bad that keeps we migraine sufferers on or our toes and in fear of our heads at all times.  Stress can be a secondary trigger, and I think this may be the case with me.  I try to be careful about nitrates regardless of my stress levels.

That brings us to this weeks migraine.  I am on day 5.  I am tired of hearing about how small I look when the scale has not moved in a month.  So, in a desperate attempt to get the scale to move and to force myself to be more strict about my eating, I tried Slim Fast. 

It sound's ridiculous, I know.  My co- workers are using a different product that involves a cleanse and meal replacements.  I asked them about the meal replacements and they said Slim Fast is cheaper, just get that!  So I did.  I don't know what it was.  It could have been the aspartame, a known migraine trigger, I found a web site claiming the that MSG is in the shakes.  I really don't know.  All I know is, I had one for breakfast Monday morning, and I have been a walking migraine ever since.

I am over it.

Does any one have any advice?  How to get rid of it, how to avoid more, how to not try to take shortcuts in my weight loss journey?

The Age 30 Life Review

I’ve always had a problem with aging.  I never really thought I would make it past 18.  I’ve declared repeatedly that I was sticking with 26 when asked my age.  I am now nearing the end of 30.  My 30 breakdown was delayed due to illness but it was waiting for me.  I was expecting some version of 30=almost dead, but in my head it kind of stopped there.  The real thing went much deeper.  

30 caused a whole life review.  Which was very beneficial but not very logical.  I woke up one day and was not content with anything.  I needed more STUFF bigger STUFF newer STUFF how did I get to 30 and not have this STUFF?!?!  I am 30!  I should have an awesome couch, better computer, bigger house, newer car... on and on and on.  A friend's 30 meltdown even included her silverware.  Of the many indications that this was ridiculous the biggest one to me was this.  I did not spend my 20’s trying to get stuff.  It wasn’t a goal, in fact at some points it was anti goal.  So why the 30 gotta haves?

The gotta haves were a stepping stone.  Why don’t I have stuff?  I don’t have money.  Why don’t I have money?  I don’t make enough?  Why don’t I make enough?  Do  I need to be more ambitious?  Do I need to go get my masters?  What do I want a masters in?  What do I want my job to be?  Do I want kids?  Am I happy in my marriage?  With my relationship with God?  With my physical appearance?  What can I do to be more content?  To live more?

30= almost dead was the theme.  The conclusion being I need to live in a way that best fits with who I am and who I want to be.

I feel like the first 30 years of my life I was training for a marathon.  Any sporting event I've ever wanted to participate in I have trained.  When you train you learn you can go further, faster, and in worse condition than you ever imagined possible.  That was my twenties, a grueling nasty training period with all of the triumphs that come with that.  I am ready to apply all I have learned to the next step in my journey. 

I’ve started this blog to map all of my transformations, whatever they may be.  The focus right now is on getting strong and losing fat.  But most of the other questions are still present, and I am looking forward to sharing the answers as I find them, or create them.